Part 3
I anxiously dragged my luggage and saw my grandfather sat down at the cashier. He smiled at me and said, “ I believe you are tired after the long trip, your room has been cleaned up, go up and rest “. I smiled back and carried my luggage up. I was surprised that the living room was very clean and neat. When I reached my room on the third level I experienced another pleasant surprise that they had newly installed the air conditioner and new spring bed in the room.
I felt a lot happier knowing that the house’s condition is a lot better now. I updated my mom that I have reached my grandfather’s house and took a short nap. The next day the travel bus picked two of my aunts and me at 5 am, and then they picked up a few more travelers before we headed down to Sarawak. I did not feel comfortable during the trip because for certain reasons, I felt that my left part of my body weakens and seems to shrink. I noticed that my left pants and sleeves were a lot looser compared to the right side. I shared with my aunts but both of them just asked me to rest and told me that it was just my imagination. I was puzzled on what those feelings mean but I fell asleep throughout the rest of the journey.
Once we reached the hostel, my aunt told me that I needed to fast since the next day I will go to the hospital for the full check-up. The next day we went to the hospital and they do a few tests such as blood test, eye test and MRI. The doctor shared that the result will be ready in 2 days and requested us to come back to the hospital. When we were back, the doctor shared that he wasn’t sure what happened to me thus he can only recommend me to be given antibiotic IV for a few days and they will monitor my conditions. I then checked into my ward. After I laid down on the bed, a nurse came down with the IV medicine and inserted the IV needle into my vein. The eye doctor and the nerve doctor visited me quite regularly and talked to my aunts. One day, I overheard the eye doctor told my aunt, “we will do our best but I would need to say that his case could possibly be a case that we wouldn’t able to help. He might be blind forever.“ My aunt came to me and I asked what did the doctor shared with her. She tried to console me, without knowing that I understood Chinese, and said, “Oh, he just shared not to worry, everything will be ok. Just go and rest“.
I was discharged after a few days’ stay in the hospital. The doctor told us to come back after a week so that he can re-assess the progress of my situation. My eyes’ condition deteriorated after I returned to my grandfather’s house. The next day my eyes was in a state where I could not see any digital generated vision. I could only see an outline of a shape with a patch of color within. That day, my aunts discussed the condition of my eyes, and one of them said, “just let the doctor operate on his eyes and maybe there is a higher chance for him to see again.” I was angry and went up to my room and hid. That evening, I thought about what the doctor shared, that I might be permanently blind and there is nothing they could do about it. And I wouldn’t want to be a parasite to my family. If I am blind, my family will need to support me as long as I live.
At that moment I decided that I would need to take my own life. I planned out a few ways for me to take my life and decided that leaping off from my grandfather’s house might be the best option since I could still see the outline of shapes, I would be able to make my way there. I thought about doing it by that evening while it is still possible for me. I walked slowly to the 3rd level veranda area and put my left foot out on the railing and get ready to jump.