Part 4
As my left foot was hanging outside and my hands held the railing, the thought running through my mind that I need to ensure my head hit the ground first. Because if I do a slight mistake, I might just injure myself and my life will be more miserable. Suddenly, I heard a man’s voice said, “What are you doing? Do you think after you jump and die, everything will be over? Do you think your pain and your suffering will stop and you will go for a better life? ”
The voice shocked me. I was sure no one was on the third floor and I did not recognize the voice. Then I thought maybe it is just my imagination, but again I heard the voice said, “Look down, do you see those souls down there?”
When I looked down there were a lot of spirits but some of them without leg or other body parts, one looks like he is suffering and his skin burned by fire, one of them without his skin. it gave me a huge shock because first of all, the road was empty a few seconds before and although my eyesight was bad but I could see them.
He continued, “they are waiting for their time to reincarnate and they have been here for a long time. Remember your suffering will not ever end when you take your life. It will be just be the start of eternal pain. “
“Your suffering will only end when you can accept the suffering. Furthermore, you shared that you want to kill yourself because you do not want to trouble your family, and do not want to become a parasite to them. But how do you think will your family feel if you kill yourself?”
“Are you sure that your reason to take your own life is about your worry as a parasite to your family or is it your egoistic thought and just want to end your suffering? The choice is yours now.”
Then I took a deep breath and decided not to proceed. I promised myself that I would start to find small happiness at a time and keep believing that everything will be better.
My eye’s conditions did not get better the next few days but my mental state was changed. I feel happier, I enjoy every second and I start to notice that life is exciting. Because my mom knew that my eyes sight had worsened, she flew down to Singkawang to accompany me for my next trip to the Sarawak hospital.
The next day after my mother reached Singkawang, we traveled to Sarawak for another check-up. Knowing my eye’s condition did not improve, the doctor then told my mom that they will increase the antibiotic dose into the IV. I received another round of antibiotic IV and stayed in the hospital for a few days. I realized my body was weakened as the days go by. After a few days, the doctor recommended me to take spine liquid extraction for them to send to Australia lab for further investigation. I still vividly remember how it felt, the doctor only can give me a local anesthesia because I will need to be awake and hold my body position. If I did, it might affect my nerves. When the doctor injected the needle,
I still remember the sound of my bone cracked. After the procedure ended, the doctor said, “we will send the spine liquid to the laboratory immediately. You should take a rest and just lay down for few days while your spine liquid regenerate itself. Meanwhile you will feel a slight pain whenever you sit or stand up because the segment of the spine is hollow.” I fell asleep within a few minutes after the extraction because I was exhausted and felt the pain on my lower back.